Is That Really a Thing?!

Death by Caffeine

Like most Americans, I'm not really what you would call a "morning person." I get up early every day, and every day I think the same thing: "No. Please, just... no." For most of us, coffee (or caffeine in some form) is a way to at least appear to be alive and functioning in our roles as productive members of society. Consumption of caffeine ranges from the occasional coffee drinker to the four-pots-a-day caffaholic. I think I'm probably somewhere in the middle. I wouldn't say that I'm a "Do not even look at me until I have had my coffee!" person, but I've definitely reached the level of, "Things might go a lot more smoothly if we have this meeting after my first cup of Joe."

Perhaps I live under a rock with my coffee maker and arsenal of diet soda, because I only found out this morning that caffeine can cause intoxication, psychiatric disorders, and actually kill you. Yes, that's right... KILL YOU. When I read about caffeine-induced organic mental disorder on drowning.com, I thought it was a joke. But as I read and realized that they weren't kidding, I thought, "Wait... Is that really a thing?!"

Trying to corroborate the validity of the suggestion that caffeine is treacherous, I did what any normal person does: I Google'd. It turns out that there are countless websites, blogs, articles, and the like that explain the risks associated with caffeine use. There are actually diagnoses for caffeine-related intoxication, anxiety, sleep disorder, and many more. And, if a person drinks more than his or her body can handle, the person can have a fatal caffeine overdose. There are actually documented cases of deaths that happened this way!

I don't mean to sound insensitive or disrespectful, but I have to wonder... Weren't there any signs before it reached that point that maybe you had one too many double-espresso lattes? I know that for me, drinking even half of one popular energy drink (whose ads boast of making people fly) sends me into a jittery tailspin of fidgeting and using too many words in my sentences. I interpret that reaction as a sign that I shouldn't have anymore caffeine for awhile. Am I just taking crazy pills here, or don't most people have small-scale reactions like this before it reaches truly damaging heights?

The blame for most caffeine-induced hysteria is aimed at energy drinks. One article on Inventor Spot even states that some energy drinks contain the same amount of caffeine as fourteen cans of cola. I don't think that is necessarily brand new information to most people; the fact that it's called an "energy drink" pretty much indicates its purpose. Moreover, if you are drinking something that has a name sounding anything like, "Extreme Hard-Core Brain Damage Energy Fun," "You Really Can't Handle This, You Big Pansy," or "If You Ever Need to Run 57 Miles, This Is the Drink for You," that's probably a good indicator that there's some type of stimulant in it and you might want to, I don't know, monitor how much you're drinking?

Granted, I have to make the statement that in some cases, a person's caffeine threshold may be unusually low or perhaps the caffeine interacts with some other existing condition to cause caffeine-related disorders. I know there are outliers. But, for the rest of us, can we please just watch it a little, please? If people abuse caffeine, sooner or later it will be illegal to drive with an open container of coffee; and if you think caffeine-induced anxiety is a big deal, just wait until you see the effects of caffeine deprivation-induced road rage.