Babies Break Your Heart

I once had someone tell me, "Being a mother will break your heart again and again." She was the corporate trainer at a bank where I used to work, and although I'm not sure how that subject came up in the middle of learning about Regulation CC (or, "Reg CC," as we call it in the biz), those words have rung true again and again.

Since the moment I had Ellie, I've been wrapped around her tiny little finger. Her rosy little cheeks, big blue eyes, huge gummy smile, warm little belly, and familiar baby smell completely hypnotize me into a baby-induced stupor. I know it sounds cliche, but I honestly never thought I could experience this kind of love for someone.

There are poignant moments I've experienced with Ellie that still make me a bit tearful. Her first immunizations, where she belted out the cry that says, "How could you let them do this to me? You have betrayed me!" Walking into the bedroom and seeing Wes lying on the bed with Ellie propped up on a pillow in front of him, listening to him read her a story (which was as much for his benefit as it was hers). Actually, watching Wes with her pretty much anytime - the love he has for her, the tenderness with which he handles her, the way he always seems to know exactly what she's trying to tell us - amazes me. The first time Ellie smiled, it was so pure and beautiful that it made me cry a little. And her first laugh... it really did break my heart. I really do love her more than my body can absorb - fellow moms, you know what I mean!

My heart was broken again last night, about every thirty minutes or so, as Ellie woke up in a screaming fit because her poor little nose was running and she couldn't breathe. It wasn't serious, she isn't in need of a doctor or anything, but just the idea that I can't do anything at all to make her feel better except hold her and suction her nose (which she does NOT like) is torture. It makes me feel so helpless, and it reminds me that I can't protect her from everything. That seems unfair; babies are so innocent and perfect. I hate knowing that one day she will have to grow up and experience disappointment, loss, and pain along with all of the joy.

I give thanks every single day for Wes and Ellie... they truly are the best reasons to wake up that I could ever hope to have. And although Ellie continually exceeds the allotted amount of cuteness any baby should have, I wouldn't have it any other way.