The F Word (and Not the One You're Thinking!)

For those of you who don't know this, I write a bi-weekly advice column in the O'Colly, which is Oklahoma State University's newspaper. I try to read the paper most days, mainly to see what the other staffers in the Opinion/Editorial section are up to.

Yesterday, my editor, James Cooper, wrote a piece called, "UFC Makes Me a Man," that questions such things as the current validity of traditional ideas of masculinity, along with the appropriateness of the use of the word, "faggot." I was so galvanized by his article that I felt compelled to voice my own opinions about it.

So, let's first examine this question of what makes a man a "real" man - other than the glaringly obvious anatomical distinctions.

In my opinion, a real man is strong, humble, truthful, and courageous. Delving a bit further into these characteristics, as I define them for the purposes of this discussion, we see that by "strong," I mean able to handle his life and all of the business that makes it run smoothly, able to stand on his own without the need of approval from others, and capable of showing compassion and generosity without fear that he will be perceived as "womanly."

When I say "humble," I speak of a quality characterized by the realization that you are not the only person on Earth. To me, "humble" means that you respect others, you respect yourself, and you try to do the right things. You understand that the world is a big place, and you are part of the big picture; therefore, your needs can't always come before everyone else's (although sometimes, they can and should).

"Truthful" is pretty self-explanatory. A real man tells the truth. We are all guilty of telling "little white lies" here and there, but the essence of being truthful is this: You decide who you are by being completely honest with yourself about your needs, motives, and traits, you be who you are no matter who is around, and you do these things even at the risk of making someone uncomfortable.

"Courageous" goes hand-in-hand with "truthful." A real man has enough courage to be true to himself, without regard for the attempts of others to shame him. I felt that James's column was truly courageous, because he makes no apologies for who he is (a young, gay man) even though he is acutely aware of the prejudices that are held by many around him.

Did you notice anything about the attributes of a "real" man that I have described? If you were paying attention, you probably noticed that each of those characteristics are applicable to women, also. There is a reason for that: Masculinity and femininity are both subjective and relative to a person's own experiences, attitudes, and perceptions; they aren't measurable items that correspond to predetermined standards.

For example, my husband is a stay-at-home dad. Since raising children and taking care of a home are part of the gender role that has traditionally been assigned to women, some people might view this arrangement as immasculating. However, the devotion Wes has to our daughter and the patience, compassion, and skill with which he handles her every single day serve to remind me regularly what a wonderful man (a "real" one!) he is. I would argue that his job is far more important than mine, even though mine garners a paycheck.

I know plenty of women who are really into sports. Does that make them less womanly? What about if a woman doesn't wear makeup? What if she hates cooking, asks for a promotion, or aggressively closes the sale?

Now let's talk about this "faggot" business. I actually got a little uncomfortable just now when I typed that word; that's how much I loathe it. In fact I think from here on out, I'm just going to refer to it as "the word." With a long history as a slur intended to direct hatred and disgust toward homosexuals, this one ranks right up there with the N-word (which, similarly, channels hatred toward a very specific group of people) in my mind. The word makes me cringe, no matter in what context it is used.

Whether a person is gay, straight, or undecided is of no consequence when I hear the word come out of his/her mouth. Seriously, playfully, hatefully, or otherwise, it is so loaded with hate and charged with negative energy that I just can't abide it. Another one I find extremely offensive: "Fag Hag." This one is used to describe close women-friends of gay men.

What if someone called your mother or father the word? What if it was your child? Best friend? Regardless of your views about homosexuality, surely you wouldn't tolerate this kind of treatment of your loved ones. As James so poignantly pointed out in his piece, even though many people ground their opposition to homosexuality in the Bible, it's difficult to believe that Jesus would ride around in his truck screaming, "Faggot!" to anyone he considered too effeminate. Spot-on, James. Couldn't have said it better myself.

It is a free country, and we do have an amendment that protects people's rights to say this word or any other of their choosing. However, I have the right to say that I don't like it. And that, folks, is the beauty of America.